Hooo yes. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. She cares a lot. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. When were checked out its just not worth the effort anymore, so youll get more one word responses. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. And what am I doing while Im waiting for her to stop the one-sided argument Im passively agreeing to? He is a member of your team and not your coach. Dont. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. My ex-husband was horrible about trying to fix me and getting really mad when I didnt want his help. Listen respectfully and be open to talking about his feelings. Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. They are not feelings police tools. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. Seconded! If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. You cant change other people, and any coaching or motivating has to be accomplished with the full participation and consent of the coached. I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. Flags everywhere! That's the last thing you should do. Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. He blocks me and ignores me. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. Like, does he have any evidence on which to base this idea that you actually can change people? They are not your child who needs to be emotionally spanked. It can be really hard from the outside. Sorry for the mix-up! And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. Whether it was a lot or a little, it will carry you to tomorrow. What kind of wording do you want me to use? Again, fine line. My boyfriend wants to go all the way but I'm scared it will hurt. Seriously. A while later we split up, and it was unfun and shitty and also exhilarating and life changing and were both in a better place now. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Ill offer help if asked, but otherwise, I try to stay out of itunless an (in)action is directly affecting me, as it was in this case. He ate it for lunch (everyday!) Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! This helped my husband and I when I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. When Dad was having a pity party, I flat out told him that he had driven her away with his constant controlling and put downs. So I dont get to do this as well as I used to when husband is away. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. Harville Hendrix has some good insights as to why we pick partners who embody what we needed but didnt get as children from our parents, and how to move toward resolving those issues. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. People who genuinely are that logical will tie themselves in knots trying to analyze their own feelings. (not so much my mother. If you have the energy and inclination to push yourself, get on with your bad self, but thats extra credit. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. I think there are some other strategies you can follow that will improve things for you. And should usually comes from a not so great place. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. Reasonable. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). Those things are part of who we are, and we accept that in each other. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. Both of the above. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Consider the ways in which your frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of . You know when they got worse? (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. "Breaking up evokes a lot of really strong emotions in people," Dr. Freitag explains. The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. Cause this happens to me a lot, both with migraines and depression. I did not fail. Stop trying to control your partner. I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. If your social group feels patch and thin, take steps to meet new people. And sometimes the answer is I cant. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. Get out into nature together take a day trip, if you need to. Yo! It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. Giving me grief for not doing the other 25 letters is NOT HELPING. His only motivation to change is to stop you. I think Captains advice makes sense because, while getting rid of LWs boyfriend would be (according to many, I read) the logical consequence to his behavior, it is also true that you owe it to yourself to state your boundaries within this relationship, should it only last for one more day. I think this is great advice. It probably would be. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . Hes interested in his version of you. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. Just. Dear Carolyn: Although we've had sex before, my boyfriend of two years has zero interest in sex with me or anyone else. You still get to decide whether you like him. Seriously. Too many arguments lead up to less making an effort. Then he was a royal PITA trying to get me back, because I turned out to be harder to upgrade than he expected again, hindsight! I 100 million percent second this. And exercise does help me it does! Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. Designate a time to have a conversation just the two of you. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. LW you got this. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. He is mad at you for not being good enough he wants you to feel like you have to earn his affection. This, again, is part of why we dont have a good relationship). 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